stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
