you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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