There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
