i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
