did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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