What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
