Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Who died my cat blue again?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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