My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
