I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
