I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
