I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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