I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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