Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
