Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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