Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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