I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize