i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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