So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
