Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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