Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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