Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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