Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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