We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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