I think my vagina is haunted
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
