i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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