Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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