I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
