Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
