Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I fill condoms, not promises.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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