I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Boobs speak an international language.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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