ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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