Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
