Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
