your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
