i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
