I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
