When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
