dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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