Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
