i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
