i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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