I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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