would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
