after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
