i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
