I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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