I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
