its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
