Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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