You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
as a side note pls kill me
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
