Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
