Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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