Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just forgot I was standing up.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize