So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
