I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize