and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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