I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
