Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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