Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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