just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
