My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
