she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
