Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
